injustice rings the bell
Mary Carr, friendship breakups, and two left feet at the tango
There is something about friendship breakups that feels so dramatic and so pathetic — she says in the midst of one. Perhaps it is so for me because my friendships are something I take great pride in. Despite my stubbornness, I am more often than not more likely to go above and beyond to see things from the other person’s perspective and bow to their concern for the sake of bond preservation. But recently, I’ve been reckoning with the impact that has had on me — it’s starting to feel like walking into the gym ready for a solid session of strength training and unknowingly (maybe even excitedly) reaching for heavy weights that immediately bring you straight to the floor. You can’t necessarily say you were blindsided because you went for them, but there’s some self-awareness that maybe ambition and eagerness clouded your judgment. I think we can approach friendships like this…or at least I do. Often.
I turn…25 (oof, don’t even, but also, no one brings up my age except me) this year, and since turning 24, one of my key phrases has been, “I feel like my tolerance for BS is nonexistent.” I’m alluding to the forming of my frontal lobe. To date, no one in my life has disagreed. Rather, they’ve encouraged me in this balls-yness. However, one thing I’m particularly working on, and happy to discuss openly, is loving with boundaries because for most (if not all) of my life, I have been operating with none. That should be okay for a lover girl who believes wholeheartedly in unconditional love, but when you’re struggling to fall asleep at 2am with physical knots in your stomach and heart palpitations because of how hurt you feel1, you get the sense that something’s got to give — and it better not be you.
I’m not saying avoid taking accountability or rectifying (your) wrongs, but you absolutely do not have to suffer through people, situations or circumstances that have long passed their expiration date — or not that, but perhaps the purpose of that relationship has been fulfilled. Naturally, however, we do because we don’t like to think of relationships - friendships, particularly - as having an end, or at least that’s how I approach them. Then again, we grow up hearing ‘best friends forever, ’ and suddenly, our friendships are everything — our whole identities and beings — when we’re whole with or without them. Generally, we’re just better off when surrounded by good ones.
For a few years, from the end of secondary school to sixth form, I was always paired off. it was ‘Azzy and _’, and that did a little (a lot-tle) for my mental health and self worth because then it made me feel as though I was unlovable if not attached to someone else, and so would voluntarily shield myself in the shadow of their wings — not realising that, actually, I was a light bursting to be basked in, and made brighter (by others). I’m not saying that egotistically; I’m saying that I should’ve had greater confidence in my sauce (my heart) because my greatest aspiration was to love and be kind. Still is… sometimes (listen, the last few years have been rough; we’re working on it).
Now, I feel healthier. I’m blessed with friends from different pockets of life who have withstood each other’s versions and life things, and there’s a core that feels like a ‘chosen’ family. Nonetheless, it’s taken uncomfortable conversations and moments to get to this point, but that point now goes from strength to strength. If I disappoint them, they’ll vocalise, and together, we’ll seek a resolution. If they’re hurting or confused, we’ll discuss it - judgment-free (because as much as we say ’it could never happen to me,’ urm…it very much could, sweetie).
A friend once said to me: “Relationships take work,” and though I know what they meant, I wanted to respond with: “Well, duh.” Everything we’re in is a relationship to some degree, and absolutely, they all require a certain level of ‘work’. But I realise how much of a common rhetoric this is with younger generations (mine included) whereby the relationships we think require the most work, primarily or solely, are romantic, and that’s a shame. That leaves a wake of beautiful bonds waiting to be invested in that are perhaps not tended to due to holding unequal value. I understand the change dynamically, but I’d argue they’re both of value just in different ways — it can get tricky, and most of the time, it’s relative, but I hope you catch my drift.
That said, I’m also in a healthier place, individually, mentally and emotionally (hence the zero tolerance for BS). I know my value - what I’ve tapped into and recognised and am yet to - and walk confidently, knowing that not everybody is entitled to that. It’s not necessarily three strikes and you’re out — forgive 70 x 7 and all that — but it is implementing an intentional refusal to accommodate people’s disrespect or overstepping my boundaries. Those are there to protect me, and if that doesn’t suit someone, that’s unfortunate - for them, and them alone. I will say, some situations just need a little bit more clarity from both sides, so talk it out, and you’ll usually be fine.
There’s also a lot that society wants to make us feel insecure about, and being a good friend is one I won’t settle on. I’m not knocking the girlies who are in love - I’ll be there soon enough - but having this time to identify and set this standard for myself in my platonic and familial relationships (while single) has heightened my excitement and sense of peace for when I eventually enter into that romantic dynamic.
If anyone gets to meet or spend time with my friends, they’re always quick to tell me how ‘lucky’ I am to have the friends I do (and don’t I know it!). I also entered into all of these relationships with no expectations, simply enjoying who they are and the time we spend together. We grow alongside one another, and sometimes there’s a cheeky crossover - and that’s FAB. Most of the time, we’re loving on and supporting each other so unabashedly, it feels like they’ve been here the whole time — my parents even remember their names (thank God! We’ve come a long way).
A mentor of mine recently took me to the viewing (at the Bafta’s!!!) for A Thousand Blows, the new series on Disney+. One of the leading characters, the queen bee of The Forty Elephants (an all-female gang of hustling pickpockets), Mary Carr, is stellar. In the second episode, she whispers (well, I’m pretty sure it’s her…forgive me if not) something along the lines of “injustice rings the bell…” and that has stuck with me ever since hearing it. When I hear the word ‘bells’, I think mostly of the phrase ‘saved by the bell’. On the other hand, their sole purpose is either to make an announcement or to alarm us to something that could pose a threat: a fire or something more sinister, or as Mary said, injustice.
‘Losing’ a friend that you loved and cared for deeply can feel like that. But it happens, and you go through the pruning process, the five stages of grief, and you come out on the other side guided by beautiful memories with someone, or people, whose heart you don’t know anymore, addresses that no longer frequent the top of your Uber app and/or who no longer have an emoji by their name in your contacts. Most injustices are great losses too, and this can be (is) one of them.
But this whole experience has consolidated some non-negotiables, something I think friendship breakups are great for (or relationship ‘breakdowns’ generally). Some of mine are that:
Privacy is forever yours to hold, but please respect my need for it also (this one is a rarity because thankfully, my friends and I…the book is well and truly open. In fact, we wrote it, ripped out the pages and all that’s left is the bent spine, hope that helps).
Weird, sly, jealous and competitive vibes or intentions or whatever are gross as frick (I can’t elaborate because I don’t know why people behave in this way) — it’s a good thing to be inspired by your friends dafuq. I don’t care what you do as long as you love it, it makes you happy, and you’re safe — any of those are compromised, and we’ll have a chat, and if you’ll accept it, I’ll help you through it.
Loyalty; I really have no problem exiting a room that someone who has hurt or disrespected my friend is in — and if it is in a professional setting, then professional is what we’ll be, but that’s it.
Respect is a given (you’d think), but those subtle digs and condescending comments are not cute and quirky; they’re hurtful and degrading. Sort it out.
Compromise; not that you’re expecting this to always be the case, but when that dynamic starts leaning in one particular direction yet somehow weighing you down, it’s time to pause and think. No need for unnecessary (and expensive) visits to the chiropractor (or therapist or doctor, although by all means) due to misalignment.
Anyway, we’re at my ‘we’re almost done’ confession: I do not like change. Never have, and I want to say never will, but God’s teaching me otherwise. It’s that teenage, largely juvenile mindset of change being a bad thing, that if something can’t remain the same, then the world is ending — WRONG 🫵🏾. Now, I’d say it’s probably worse to experience a lack of change. As I wander through life, more so aimlessly, less so with control (because it’s more fun that way), I realise that change is growth unseen waiting to be embraced, and the tighter you grip onto ‘same’, the more likely you are to burn your hand, pull a muscle or like, cry (?) It’s painful, is what I’m trying to say…but I still am not quite comfortable with change (hence this subby).
But there are many examples of when change has nurtured something beautiful beyond my own comprehension in life. I’d love to share a few:
Thinking the family was done with granddaughters (it was just me), and then a new beautiful cousin is born, and she’s everything you could’ve dreamed of.
Getting to hear stories from New Zealand to Hong Kong, Birmingham to Argentina, based on a few bouts of long distance with my best friends.
The frequency of disclosing your allergy at restaurants lessens because others now do it for you.
Sundays become days to look forward to rather than dread or escape, spent with family or people I didn’t even know a year ago.
Starting to say things in Portuguese or Welsh or Arabic.
Almost (!!) accepting a compliment.
Trying so many new cuisines and discovering hidden gems across the city you were born in for food.
Evolving from skinny jeans and Harrington jackets to bombers and baggy jeans (although some were already doing the latter, and I’m slightly jel).
Having an increased love for God (Amen!!!).
Finally getting to be a bridesmaid — and at your best friend’s wedding.
Some things that may (will) never change are:
My love for Justin Bieber.
White bedding.
Italian (food, ofc) reigning supreme.
6’3 is the height minimum.
Writing, writing and writing.
What do I know? Eventually, some of these may change (not the Justin Bieber one though, I promise), but we simply won’t run from them. Maybe we’ll skip, though...maybe. We will, however, have the greatest company alongside us, most of whom we’ll never have to second guess.
We’re grown now — enough of the apprehension around telling ‘your people’ you love them and never hearing it back, apologising for your existence or for asserting your place in their life, forfeiting your time to accommodate theirs because that’s the only time you’ll see them or twiddling your thumbs before sending them a message because you don’t want to bother them when they made you feel like a burden. Maybe I’m projecting, or maybe you’re worth it. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I feel like many of us, women especially, are in their balls-y era and long may it reign. This is exciting. Honestly, I’m looking forward to getting my life’s worth — with my BFF’s (I cringed too) — and you should be too.
It takes two to tango, but with the wrong people, you could have two left feet.2 So, take your time, find a good rhythm, and ‘keeeeeep dancing’3…’through life’4.
How blessed am I?
Please tell (reassure) me that this is not a unique experience xxx
This is one of my favourite sentences I’ve ever written. Congrats (and thank you) if you made it this far <3
to the tune, key and cadence of the late Bruce Forsyth.
to the tune, key and cadence of (soon-to-be-Sir) Jonathan Bailey.